Right off the bat, I'm going to apoligize!
Here it comes the fine print.
I don’t see how anyone can get hurt using
my products but if you do it is your fault not mine and
besides because I have kids I’m broke anyway. Be sure your lawyer knows that before he takes the case.
More fine print. Offer void where prohibited this includes wherever this product is illegal and/or immoral and/or unethical
and/or just too plain silly to be taken seriously. This would include at least one county in every state of the union (or
parish, in the case of Louisiana (Parish? What's with that!)), U.S. territories and possessions, current and/or conquered
or bought or stolen in the future.
Offer void if you
have ever crossed the street without looking both ways and/or have not brushed your teeth after every meal.
Offer void to anyone who should just plain know better or if you have
ignored a "slippery when wet" sign in any fast food restaurants with in the continental United States.
Offer void if the period between your dental appointments has ever exceeded 6 months in most cases or
in any case 1 year.
Offer void if there has been any
contact of this product with bears, living or dead; sharks, living or dead, real or imaginary; metaphor or not; or if the
product has ever been within ten feet of any children, male or female, under the age of five. Please do not try this at home
but if you do, don't let your mother or my mother know.
void if you have ever ran down the hall with scissors or cut something with a knife by drawing the knife toward you.
Offer voids if you have ever uttered the words "Hey, fellas, watch this!"
A) holding on to a rope that is tied to a tree
limb on the edge of a cliff with water of an unverified or simply unknown depth below; or
B) riding in the back of a pick up truck. That has never led to a positive end.
Offer void and all bets are off if you have ever swam in water of any depth within one half hour
after eating anything (and we mean anything).
are off completely if you have ever ridden a motorcycle barefoot or mowed the lawn with a power or push mower while wearing
Don't expect complete satisfaction from
this product if you have more than four dogs living under your porch, if you ever had cinder block book shelves (after leaving
college) and/or have ever uttered the words " Hot enough for you?"
We are not responsible for damages, real, contrived or imaginary, physical or mental under any circumstances at any
point in time, no matter what time zone you are currently residing in or will reside in the future, no matter what city, state,
county, parish, town, township, unincorporated sections of the county, village, hamlet and/or wide spot in the road within
which you now reside or may ever reside within in the future, no matter what.
Offer void if you are under the influence of any drugs; legal or illegal, over the counter or prescription,
herbal, good or bad; or if you are under the influence of alcohol, beer, wine (cork stopped or screw capped) or spirits of
Offer void if you are under the influence
of an evil woman, good hearted cowboy or taxi driver, any devils in blue dresses (male or female) or Judy in any other disguise,
children of any age and/or chocolate and/or caffeine.
Offer void to any person who has ever said “Oh, I just forgot about it” when air port security finds a
gun in your carry-on bag.
Offer void to any air port
security worker (former or current) ever having said "Oh, I must have just missed it." referring to the above captioned carry
Offer void if your mother has ever referred
to you as a “slack ass, tank ass and/or dumb ass,” because if she’s given up on you we have too.
Offer void with no guaranties or warranties expressed or written in any
media, current or devised in the future, to anyone who has rebuilt a house that was flooded out more than twice in four
Offer expressly void if you have ever believed
or think you will ever believe in the future any utterences of a merchant seaman verbal or written about anything, at any
time, under any circumstances.
Ok, are we clear
on all this? Well, then, have fun!